The Minneapolis Eagle

Picture it: It's Friday. You have an early Saturday morning comittment, but you're a hopeless drunk. What's a fag-on-the-verge-of-cirrhosis to do? Happy hour at the Minneapolis Eagle of course! You'll be passed out by 8pm and up for breakfast with grandma, barely scathed by the debauchery last night.

The Minneapolis Eagle has the best (and most dangerous) Friday happy hour in town: Three-for-one drinks, or 'threefers' as the locals say. The place is usually packed until the Eagle enforces it's leather-bar dress code at 9pm.

The place is small with a nice (sometimes heated) patio. It's your Twin Cities leather destination and it's definitely cruisy. It's part of the complex of gay bars (Bolt, Underground, Rainbow Rooster) affectionately known as "Block G."

In Summary:
Drinks: Average prices.
People: Men's men, rarely women, older.
Queer Factor: Very, very gay.
Would I go back?: Yes, for happy hour. Good times.

Over the Rainbow

Over the Rainbow is like the gay Cheers for women except Cheers didn't have a drag king show or semi-topless dancers on the top floor.

After the buyout of the ultra-dykish, megamall of a lesbian bar, the Metro, to Hmong Chinese investors, Minnesota's queer women's community turned to Lucy's. After the buyout of the ghettofabulous, stripmall of a lesbian bar, Lucy's, to Hmong Chinese immigrant investors, Twin Cities lesbians have little options left. Over the Rainbow is one of those options. Let's all pray that the Hmong Chinese immigrant investors in St. Paul are done buying up all the lesbian bars!

It's a small working class bar. There's pulltab machine, Vikings on the TV, and a few pool tables. I saw naked boobs there this weekend.

In summary:
Drinks: Cheap beer. Mmmmm.
People: Lot's of women. Most of 'em queer.
Queer factor: Very.
Would I go back?: Yes! Only because the bartender's hot.

Jetset

Tonight I'm heading to Jetset to pick up the credit card I left there Friday night (oops!). I used to harbor unpleasant feelings about Jetset for several reasons:

A) It's non-smoking.
B) The people seem snobby.
C) The place is totally unmarked. You couldn't tell it was a gay bar, let alone even a bar, and the place has no markings.

Now, I'm (struggling to become) a non-smoker, my friends are the (apparently not so) snobby people, and the hidden quality of the place prevents it from becoming another Gay 90s. And they make the best mojito in town. I know this because I've had every mojito in town. Add to that some low volume, high quality tracks spun by a live dj as you walk in the door, spacious and comfortable seating, and extremely friendly staff. Jetset has fast become one of my favorite places to do some low-key socializing.

If you stop in, and your looking for a mojito, please use your judgement as to the level of business. It can get really busy, and a mojito is a drink that takes some time to prepare. Give the bartenders a break and order an oversized can of PBR. Get your mojito after the Saloon crowd heads down Hennepin.

Jetset is located at 1st Ave and 1st St. North in the theatre district.

Drinks: Lovely, but you pay for quality.
People: Uppercrusty, mixed gender and age. Friendly.
Queer Factor: Lots of queers.
Would I go back?: Most definitley.

(Y'all Come Back Now) Saloon

There are generally two opinions of the Saloon amongst queers who go out at night:

1. That place is so "stand and pose" and the "attitude" of the people there sucks. Why does eveyone there look tan, skinny, and 17 years old? That place is "twink central". If given the choice, I'd rather stay at home with my cat and chat on Gay.com, or watch Queer as Folk until my eyes bleed.

2. I love going to the Saloon. It's the only club I feel comfortable going to alone, because I know I'll run into friends there, make new friends, or just enjoy talking to the friendly bartenders. The dance floor is hella fun and the video bar is totally groovy. Plus, they always have their doors open to community groups and the owners are very supportive of many causes.

There really is no middle ground here people. You either like the place or you don't. It is the quintessenital gay (men's) club in Minnesota. Personally, I enjoy the Saloon for their shiny steel urinals. It's hard to find a decent place to piss in Minneapolis.

In summary:
Drinks: Typical Twin Cities prices, but very strong mix.
People: Depending on the night, young and cute to older and cute. Mostly male.
Queer Factor: The place is in danger of becoming heterosexualized as more fags bring their hags, and their hags bring those suburban "hag chasers".
Would I go back?: It's like I never left.

Trikkx

It has one of the worst names for a gay bar I've ever heard even with the 'clever' mispelling. But if you're ever out for a night in Downtown St. Paul, and I can't imagine anyone who would willingly put themselves in that situation, then Trikkx is really your only viable queer option.

Keep in mind, it's in St. Paul.

Trikkx has a dancefloor with ample room to move. The music can be suprisingly good at times, even though no one really pays much attention. Trance and house music aren't gonna incite much motion if the average age of the clientele is 50. Someone might break a hip if they move too fast.

And it's in St. Paul.

Trikkx is a great place to bring a bunch of people, and make the place your personal party. Trust me, chances are they'll be seats available. The decor is actually quite nice and clean by St. Paul standards.

In Summary:
Drinks: Typical Twin Cities prices
People: Sparse and mature, mostly male
Queer Factor: Really gay, really mature, really male
Would I go back?: Maybe, if I'm ever stranded in St. Paul

19 Bar

The journey for green beer Wednesday night brought me to the 19 Bar in Minneapolis' Loring Park neighborhood. The journey was frought with danger and mystery as I had been occustomed to Metro Transit's free bus rides on St. Patrick's Day. Instead I was left with the option of driving the 12 blocks or calling a cab...I chose to drive.

The 19 Bar claims to be the oldest GLBT bar in the Twin Cities. Once inside, I'm left wondering if they meant "oldest GLBT clientele" in the Twin Cities. Or perhaps "oldest barroom carpeting"?

This neighborhood bar is a great place to bring tons of friends...chances are you won't be making many new ones among the sparsely populated bar stools. There is ample room for playing pool, and the darts ain't so bad. Management didn't seem to mind my friend dancing on the table. The parking sucks.

In summary:
Drinks: Typical Twin Cities prices.
People: Sparse and mature.
Queer Factor: Very gay men, with a smattering of lesbians.
Would I go back?: Once a year is probably enough.

(The not-so) Gay 90s

If all goes according to plan, tonight's birthday celebration will end up at the Gay 90s.

The Gay 90s is huge. Like Rosie was to talk show hosts, this bar is to all other Twin Cities homo bars. It's two stories of filth.

But the drinks are hot! The bartenders are always sure to give ya a splash of coke with your rum. The place is generally a metrosexual-wannabe hangout. Straight suburbanites 'go slumming' at the Gay 90s to laugh at the drag queens, and to get their girls moist looking at the go-go-boys. The only thing seriously gay in the Gay 90s is the cocksucking in the back bar. The no women allowed rule seems a bit outdated, however. And what's with their website.

My spot is on the dance floor in the retro room. Give me tequila and 80s music on the dancefloor, and I'm there for the night.

In summary:
Drinks: Strong and cheap.
People: Annoying, dirty, suburban. On Sundays: young and flaming.
Queer Factor: Sporadically gay.
Would I go back?: Sometimes.

Brass Rail Bango

You can't say no to that face, well, maybe you can. But the Brass Rail (at 4th and Hennepin) is where it's at on Tuesdays. yo! Where else can you play Bango with a big, pink, drag - nun named Mother Pearl? (If you find that place let me know!)

Mother Pearl's Bango is a tradition for all the fun, trendy queers. Legend has it that Mother Pearl's Bango used to be Mother Pearl's Bingo until the Minnesota Gaming Commission came in and said that she could not call it Bingo.

Each Bango night, some lucky hottie gets down to his g-string and collects money for charity. The cocktails are reasonably priced. Win a few rounds and you could be drinking for free. You might even win porn and booze on the same night. What more could a lonely fag ask for?

In summary:
Drinks: Average, but there is a chance for many free cocktails.
People: Old gay men, fag hags, and trendy hipster queens.
Queer Factor: Gays for days.
Would I go back?: Only on Tuesdays.

Infinity or infinitely pricey cocktails

Straying from the queer scene for a night brought me to Infinity at the Le Meridian Hotel in downtown Minneapolis.

A small space at ground level with brown walls, semi-interesting art, and decent beats with no DJ in sight. No cover. The clientele was fun: Sorority girls with money, rich(?) people who need to check the mirror before leaving the house, suburban wannabe thugs, and straight wannabe fags (Looked like a messed up Queer Eye orgy). The bartender was cute and put on a fun show, tossing bottles and glasses around. He smiled though, and the crooked teeth became a huge turnoff. But not as big of a turnoff as the drink prices. $6.75 for a beer and $7.25 for a vodka & soda. This ain't LA people, it's Minneapolis. The only way I would pay that much for a beer is if it included a blow job in the Unisex toity.

In summary:
Drinks: Should include oral sex.
People: Funny to watch.
Queer Factor: The guys look gay. They'll kick your ass for grabbing theirs.
Would I go back?: Only if I woke up tomarrow as a suburbanite with big tits.

Lucy's Update

I've had a comment and a few emails requesting more information on the post about the police officer brawl at Lucy's over there in St. Paul.

The Star-Trib has an update about the brawl. Something about the wife sayin stuff and weapons being drawn.

But why trust a credible new source when I got the 411 from a guy who knows a girl who was there that night?

Apparently, the off-duty police officer and his wife are swingers. They went to Lucy's to find the wife a female companion, and the wife chose the girlfriend of a jealous girl. A fight insued between the wife and the girlfriend and that's when the police officer started knockin' out people. That's what I heard.

But I ain't one to talk folks. You didn't hear that from me, mmmkay?