Fan Mail!

Apparently, not everyone thought my fake gay marriage last summer was funny and I get a lot of email and comments telling me that I'm not as hot as Tom Welling. And, the homophobic undertones are really fun to read. Enjoy!

From Meg:
If you are the guy that posted the FAKE CRAP about Tom Welling then you need a freakin life. You are just Jealouse that you are not as hot as he is and you are not as popular as he is. You are a DIRTY SCUM BAG and you need a life ok. And just so you know he is married... and this might be a shock to you but its to a GIRL.....ok her name is JAMIE WHITE.....and they married last last JULY. So go take your STUPID LIES somewhere else because i know for a fact that he is not gay, and that you are jealouse. THANK YOU... GOODBYE

From Someone:
u guys r fuckin sick bastards. first of all tom welling ain't gay n thank god cuz recently all fine guys turn out 2 b fuckin gay which is sick n distrubing. tom is hot n only 4 girls (straight gurls. so u sick guys leave him a alone. thank god he's straight b marriage a girl even if she's not pretty enough 4 him.

From Sierra:
Leave poor Tom out of this!!! :(

My Big Fat Gay Marriage -- Part 4

Last time on My Big Fat Gay Marriage: After the bitter divorce from his wife, Jamie, Tom proposed to me on FoxNews. We went dancing, visited Dollywood, and stripped the night away.

And then we finally tied the knot! We decided to go for an old-fashioned ceremony, with the Unitarian Universalists. They love gay marriages!

And then we bought a house. Tom even went out and bought a pitchfork.

Disaster then struck, gentle readers, as Tom ran off with Elijah Wood after a few cocktails at a closeted Hollywood actor convention. Tom, being the free-spirit (slut) that he is, couldn't handle gay marriage. Ah well.

So I'm back on the market! Anyone wanna go get gay married?

My Big Fat Gay Marriage - Part 3

Last time on My Big Fat Gay Marriage: After Quizilla picked Tom Welling to be my future husband, he proposed to me on FoxNews and we went dancing.

Planning a beautiful gay wedding is tough, but planning a fabulous gay bachelor party is beyond difficult. Where is a gay to go on the eve of his nuptials?

Why, Dollywood of course!

Tom and I decided to spend our bachelor parties together. We are inseparable! Watch where your putting those hands, baby!

We had fun and rode all the rides.

After Dollywood, it was time for some nudity...I mean, this is a gay bachelor party.

Being the outgoing guys we are, we not only watched the strippers, we became the strippers. And the paparazzi was there to see the whole thing.

Next Time: We finally get married. And then the honeymoon! Oh my!

My Big Fat Gay Marriage - Part 2

Last time on My Big Fat Gay Marriage, Quizilla picked Tom Welling to be my future husband. I'm so excited, because he is absolutely dreamy!

When word of his divorce from Jamie, and our new love affair broke in the media, Tom and I decided to do FoxNews because of their exceptionally positive coverage of gays and lesbians. And that's where Tom suprised me with a marriage proposal!

We left the show and went dancing to celebrate. Tom is a teriffic dancer, even with those size 14 feet.

Up next: Tom and I hold our separate bachelor parties, and things get terribly crazy!

My Big Fat Gay Marriage - Part I

Now that hot, man-on-man marriages are a possibility in at least one state in the union, it's time for me to do something that I missed out on during 7th grade lunch hour: I'm going to plan my perfect wedding! Oooh girl!

I have a new crush every week and at least 4 different boyfriends a year (serial monogamist), so I can't rely on my current dating patterns to ensure a long and happy marriage. Instead, I turn to Quizilla, and it's cutting edge husband finder "Which Male Celebrity Are You Going to Marry?"

After a rigorous 45 seconds of answering questions on color preference, hair style selection, and favorite animals, I'm pleased to announce that Quizilla has found my match. I'm going to marry Tom Welling!

Quizilla has this to say about my future husband:
"He is a smalltown kind of guy who is
always very helpful. He will always treat you
right and is quite good looking besides!! he is
also somewhat mysterious."
brought to you by Quizilla

I've never heard of Tom before, but Google says he is the star of a show called Smallville. His website has lots of useful information and it turns out Tom and I have much in common. He owns a pug named Cook, and I like puppies! He enjoys reading and running just like me! He and I are both from the Midwest. He's also 11 months older than me, so we're both Carter babies.

And he wears (ahem!) size 14 shoes! Oh my.

The only snag in this otherwise perfect union? He's married. I'm sorry Jamie White-Welling, but like the proverb says, "if you can't find a good home, wreck one." For now, I'll plan the wedding under the assumption that he'll leave the hussie and the heterosexual lifestyle in favor of yours truly.

Next Time: I plan the perfect proposal. Jamie signs the divorce papers. Tom buys a new pair of shoes. Cook, Tom's pug, finds a stunning outfit for the bachelor party. Stay tuned for Part 2!