Winter

It's fucking cold. Highlights from other queer Minnesotans on the frigid weather:

SparklesMpls brings us pictures of chimney smoke and sweater defuzzing.

David at 42 comments on the value of heated car seats.

Wanda Wisdom gives us the lowdown on being a Midwestern drag queen in winter. She asks, "How's a drag queen supposed to be fabulous with two-ply long underwear all bunched up in her hinder?"

Aaron paints a warm, uplifting word picture, while sitting in his favorite coffeeshop, that gives us hope for the next 4 months: "The cold brings all of us inside this cozy coffeeshop a little closer together, members of an elite group of survivors, pioneers, Minnesotans in winter. Together, we will prevail."

Frozen

Right now, in Minneapolis, it feels like -32 degrees. It's actually a balmy -9 degrees before factoring in the wind.

In 6 days I'll be in San Francisco where, right now, it's 57 degrees warmer and there is NO WIND CHILL.

In Antarctica, where this sexy guy is at, it's 32 degrees. And sunny.

GET ME OUT OF HERE, NOW! or at least buy me a drink.

Brrrrrr

Currently outside: Cloudy. Temperture -5, windchill 24 below zero. I was wondering when the real Minnesota winter would be here.

It's fucking cold, let's drink

It was 1 degree above zero when I left the house for work. It was probably about that cold last night when my roommate and I had to push my car out of a snow bank.

My journey outside every two hours to fill my lungs with warm nicotine-laced smoky goodness, has become painfully chilly. My fingers are too numb by the half-way point to continue through to the end. I hate winter and I hate Minneapolis.

The short days, and cold winds facilitate both depression and a need to be indoors. What better way to fix both circumstances than a bottle or a martini glass! Check out this week's CityPages issue all about why Minnesota winters are made for drinking.

Lemme bitch

Tuesday's are my night to unwind after 14 hours of work, school, and work. I expect things to go my way. Tonight did not go my way, although it does give me cause to bitch.

I get to the Brass Rail, ready to see my favorite fat, drunken, pink, man-in-nun's-habit giving out free drinks and porn. He's not there. Instead I get a former suburban beauty queen, with a humped back and an ass that could dam the mighty Mississip. Did I mention she looks like she used to be a man?

I quickly shuffle my ass outta there before Quasi Modo starts calling numbers. I head next door to the Gay (straight) 90s to witness the full-on tragedy that awaits me for 2 for 1's. The only redeeming quality this mega-mall of cheesy drag and bi-curious men has to offer is some slammin' music in the backroom. Too bad none of the geriatric men back there have a clue that Dan the bartender makes the closest thing to a sex-club that Minnesota has to offer bearable.

4 heinekin 2 for 1's later, I'm ready to split and head to my car in the 3rd and Nicollet lot. It's fucking cold. I mean Minnesota fucking cold.

The gate is down and not a parking nazi is in sight (I use the term nazi to loosely refer to the poor saps that have to deal with our collective drunk asses leaving the bar without parking fare. they aren't really nazi's). I attempt to jump an icy curb to avoid the gate, and lo and behold, a parking nazi emerges from out of nowhere. After calling me a dumbass in his native language, he points to the 2"x3" envelope wedged between my windshield and wiper, and opens the gate. I'm SUPPOSED to put money in this envelope. Instead, I use a pen to erase my liscense plate number and stick a piece of ABC gum inside. Hehehe.

Winter is coming

I'm a pussy. I hate the cold AND I live in Minnesota. If they could pick Minneapolis up and move it 1000 miles south, it would be a perfect place to be.

Anyway, it was snowing Saturday night as I was huddled with my friends outside the Gay 90s waiting for a cab to take us to an after bar, and all my drunken brain could think is "Ah, fuck. Here comes winter again."

Next week is Winter Hazard Awareness Week. I've come up with my own list of winter tips.

Winter Weather Preparations
- Buy flannel sheets.
- Stock up on booze. Save fridge space by cooling it in the snow.
- Learn Minneapolis' Snow Emergency instructions, or sell your car. Trust me, it's less confusing.

When Driving
- Don't drive. Take a cab.

Outdoor Activities
- When traveling to the bar, do not wear a jacket or coat. Save the coat check money for drinks.
- Travel in groups for smoke breaks at school or work. The life your co-workers/classmates save, could be yours.
- Avoid outdoor activities.

Home Safety
- More sex occurs indoors during the winter months. Use condoms.
- When drinking, avoid the X-mas tree water. It tastes like gin, but it isn't gin.
- Dancing on hardwood floors can be treacherous, especially afterbar. Dance barefoot or wear socks with traction.
- If a fight breaks out, take it outside, realize it's too cold to be outside, come back inside and pass out on the stairs.

Minnesota winters can be long and deadly. Only by thinking ahead and staying focused can we get through the 2003-04 season.

Home, Sweet Home

Las Vegas was a rockstar vacation. The wedding was beautiful. The parties were a blast. The weather was gorgeous. I didn't want to leave....

And I shouldn't have.

Our flight was delayed because of weather. All I wanted to do was sleep last night off on the plane, but that was not going to happen. Two brats were sitting behind us with their incompetant mom. The family of three spent 3 hours screaming, crying, laughing hysterically, and swearing. Then the little girl covered her mom in vomit. Ah, sweet vindication.

And between the insufferable children we hit major turbulence caused by this storm.

To top off a lovely evening, I arrive home to find my car gone and our street torn up. Apparently, the City of Minneapolis decided to reconstruct 11th Avenue South while I was on vacation, and relocate my Prism to the impound lots. Thank you Minneapolis, you will be dealing with a very bitchy homo tomarrow morning.

Why I Hate Minneapolis

I'll discuss the cold when it gets here.

For now, I'd like to issue a public service announcement for the pedestrians in the Cedar-Riverside area.

Please stop walking out in front of my car. It takes less time to wait for me to pass than it does for your legs to heal after you're trapped under my Prism.